A few weeks back, Katie Elzer-Peters asked me if I would write a post about the top ten ways to keep werewolves out of the garden. Immediately, I (Jean Ann) said "Yes!"...no questions asked. I mean, werewolves are right up there at the top of the list when it comes to massive garden destruction. You think squirrels and raccoons are bad? Try a 200 pound wolf-dog tearing out your flower border. It would be like Penny on steroids!
Later, Katie mentioned that she actually wanted me to write the post in honor of today's book release of Claire de Lune by Christine Johnson...and I have to admit I was relieved! I thought she was the one with the pest problem...and once those things get established, you might as well give up. So, in honor of Katie and of Christine, I present the Top Ten (GEG) Ways to Keep Werewolves out of your garden:
- Whatever you do, don't leave carcasses in the garden. These wolf things love meat...so be sure to dispose of all of your big game hunting remnants in the proper fashion.
- Forget shiny cd's dangling on strings...that's just insulting the beasts. I suggest creating a series of life-sized dolls made of silver, but covered in some kind of skin like substance. (do I need to say don't use real skin? probably.) When they swallow a bite, problem solved. (**note, you may need a tractor to move life-sized dolls made of silver)
- Hire a werewolf to defend your property from other werewolves...let me know if you need referrals
- Hire Penny or Spencer to protect your property. Well, Spencer would be more like a snack to slow them down while you push the containers into the garage to save your most valued plants.
- Amanda uses fishing wire strategically strung across the garden to keep Penny out of the beds. The invisibility factor freaks him out without harming him. I like the psychological warfare here. Keep in mind you will need, like, a thousand times more fishing wire for werewolves.
- Do I need to say don't plant a night-blooming garden and then wander around it in your diaphanous night gown? I probably do.
- Forget using deer fencing to keep these dudes out...8 ft is nothing to them. You might want to go ahead and build a giant cage around your crops. Be sure to sink the bottom of the cage at least ten feet into the ground into poured cement in order to keep it from being torn right out. Even better if the cage is made of silver...though that can get pricey, particularly if you are also implementing #2.
- Wear those 6-inch silver coated stilettos when you are weeding at dusk. That way, if you happen to find one, you can immediately stab it with your shoe. Believe me, these things multiply like nobody's business. You definitely want to destroy them as soon as you find them.
- If you have really hairy friends, you might want to put them under controlled observation for 24 hours when the moon is full. Remember, caution is your friend.
- Finally, and maybe most importantly, avoid planting: Illicium floridanum (wet dog shrub), Erythronium (dog's tooth violet), Cornus florida (dogwood) or any of the 86 varieties of "dog" plants identified by the USDA.